Beautiful Messes

Spinning, should be the title of this blog post today. Nothing prepares you for life's events . So the staying in my lane is here to stay. I have clarity on this now. Yes Susan stay in your lane, but watch others signals so that you know when to turn or you will crash. Did I crash recently no but I should have stopped at lifes 4 way stops. I do not own the road. My sons teaching me this and my husband who jokingly said this morning " I thought I would get breakfast in bed". I said " No its a man cold and yes I will get you some water lol". I wrote a post the other night and because I was feeling a "beautiful mess", didn't post it. I didn't feel a beautiful mess but I was feeling and wrote my feelings. This website is for all the areas of my life ... my ego says "brand". But its really because I have a-lot to say and I say my best when writing.. better filter when I proof read. I wrote about anger this week and then I wrote about triggers. Thank goodness I do not post all I write , some is for me to unpack. An Artists life, the path that is my god given road... has been a beautiful mess. This is because my Art has been my healer my teacher and my own beautiful mess. Although if you saw my space today where I work ..... ugly mess. Rome wasn't built in a day and I'm learning I really do not have ladies in waiting to clear up after me. Do you know when I was a little girl my Mother who loved to tell stories, told me we were from a Duchy in England and were descendants of Lords and Ladies. She did me no favours here or those who love me when I'm in this role. We probably had a relative who worked in their gardens or painted their walls ; The thing is though, is this, if part of my nature is to to believe this how is this hurting me??? Fairy Tales I say lol. Ive always believed in them. But life sometimes is more a "Charles Dickens Novel". I saw the end of a detour this weekend I mean you don't always think I stay in that lane? I love to put on my cape and rescue rather than taking a deep dive into the hard things that need to be unpacked. So heres what I ended up feeling after a few weeks of not reading those road signs while on the road of life. Unpacking that Knapsack. We all carry one.. its invisible to others but we feel it and somedays we unpack a load of issues and pick them up later because we didn't get how heavy that issue was. Ok maybe you don't, I do and its my blog lol. The more I take a deep dive into how this item.... in my knapsack ,if I don't look at how this is affecting me I'm going to carry it. I learned the word " Amends" at an early age, I learned the word, it was added to my vocabulary, but didn't understand the meaning. If someone or event challenged me in anyway I would react then say " sorry" because that's what I understood the word to mean. I did not take a look at it, because if it was serious and not even my fault , and I will use the millennial word " Toxic". I said sorry and let the experience repeat and repeat . We don't have to own everything or excuse bad behavior we don't have to have closure all the time we can just shake our head and move on. I don't have to beat it to death make a monument out of it because this isn't unpacking it. I also can go days without feeling my knapsack this is usually a time Im focussed on me, and not out trying to save the world. I wonder which is heavier the knapsack or the cape. Hillary Scott the female singer of the band "Lady Antebellum" and they may go by another name now. She recently released a song called " A Beautiful Mess', the first verse is about spinning ...which prompted this post. Food for thought, my thoughts and well now my knapsack is a little lighter today. ..... just my stream of conscience from my heart to yours.